


heartburn

by fluffyhorns_11_67



Category: SKAM (France)
Genre: Angst, Bipolar Disorder, Friends With Benefits, I have no idea how to tag, IT'S REALLY ANGSTY, M/M, Well not really, and heartbroken, eliott is hurt, fuck buddies possibly?, lucas is a dumbass, mention of sex but no smut, mention of suicidal thoughts, sofiane is really good friend, yeah that's probably it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-20
Updated: 2019-09-07
Packaged: 2020-07-09 11:55:12
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 14,133
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19887295
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fluffyhorns_11_67/pseuds/fluffyhorns_11_67
Summary: "It takes a strong heart to love, but it takes even stronger one to continue to love after it’s been hurt.”au; Eliott falls in love with Lucas, who likes to have fun with him, but Eliott is sure he doesn’t love him back. He tries to back out from the “fuck buddies” thing they have between them, but that doesn’t end the way he imagined.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> please have in mind english is not my first language  
> but...enjoy! :D

"It was good," were his first words after the mind-blowing sex him and Lucas ha Lucas used only chuckle as an answer.

They were lying in his bed, music blasting through his closed-door from Idriss' party, naked bodies tangled beneath his blanket, Lucas satisfied face almost glowing in the soft light coming from his lamp. Eliott was watching him, watching his long eyelashes flutter and one eyelash falling down on his cheek, Eliott almost reaches his hand to touch his cheek, to get rid of it. He immediately had to stop himself, even when he wanted nothing but that. For his fingers to touch the soft skin of Lucas' cheeks. _Stop_.

"It was okay. Just as it always is," Lucas replies, not really paying attention to him, possibly thinking of a way to get out without things getting awkward. Eliott only had one thought in his mind, and it was just that mere memory of his hand stroking Lucas' hips just a few minutes ago, Lucas not paying attention, too busy with his own pleasure overwhelming him. He thought about it often. Touching Lucas in a non-sexual way.

Touching his cheeks when he was simply overwhelmed with everything and nothing at the same time, to soothe himself. Their lips meeting in a soft kiss that did not lead to sex. Simple pecks when they part their ways. Gently caressing his naked skin after making love. Softly stroking his back while they kiss.

The thing was..he couldn't. No, after sex, he couldn't touch Lucas. It was like a mantra Lucas always repeated to him. A soft reminder that Lucas is not his. That this boy, lying naked in his bed, looking just as gorgeous as a person can look, was never meant to be his. No matter how many times he draws Lucas as his. No matter how much he longs for him. For Lucas to at least touch _him_ after having sex, at least to show he had any worth in his eyes. To touch his shoulder, to even look at him in a different way...it was an almost impossible wish. Lucas referred to him only as his 'fuck buddy', to remind him he will never be his.

Eliott always gets sad when he thinks about how little Lucas thinks of him. No, Lucas could never like him. He is only attracted to him, to his body and his mouth kissing his body, making him come, screaming from pleasure Eliott gives him without a doubt. Eliott would give him anything. Anything in the world he ever wanted would be his, he only had to ask. That was how much Eliott loved him. He would move mountains for him, only to receive the love he was feeling. It didn't even have to be strong love, Lucas didn't have to fall in love with him, he only wished Lucas saw him at least a little bit different. To be a little more than a hot body he could fuck whenever he wanted, without obligations.

Lucas always asks only for one thing. " _Touch me,_ " he whispers, of course not longing for his touch out of love, only lust playing part in his pleas. Eliott obligates, of course, he does. He loves this boy too much for him to ever be able to say no to him, to deny him anything. Eliott longs for his love. To be loved by Lucas, to be looked at the same way he feels, looking into the deep ocean eyes and find love in them, swimming in it, overwhelmed with feeling loved. Only it will never happen. No matter how hard he wishes for it. No matter his longing, his pleas, his despair for it. Lucas won't love him.

_it is only good_ , that little annoying voice whispers to him, _you are insane. why would he love you, when he can have you without having to show one emotion? without faking love to you? he has you wrapped around his finger and he does not have to do anything at all_.

He was too occupied with torturing himself with his thoughts to notice the awkwardness growing in the room. _Why didn't Lucas leave yet?_ he asks himself, his naive self getting excited, because maybe... _maybe, maybe, maybe_...

"We should get dressed, no?" all his hopes have faded away with these words. _No, please don't go_ , little voice in his whispers, now a little more desperate than usual, _please stay for a bit longer_.

"Yeah, of course. Here," he reaches out to the floor for Lucas' t-shirt. When he finds it he throws it at him. He was already feeling weird. Differently, than he was feeling before the sex. A little more broken than he was yesterday. A little more desperate. His longing for Lucas to love him just the way he was were stronger. He felt like crying. Like breaking down, collapsing on the floor with tears, with soft pleas for Lucas to stay. Of course, he won't. He never does. He is lucky, he has everything he needs. Eliott doesn't have anything.

Eliott always feels extremely unwanted after the sex with Lucas. Unloved. He feels like he won't be ever loved again. Maybe he will be. But not by Lucas. Never by Lucas.

He doesn't even register when he started to dress. Only now he notices his body being covered by his clothes he was dressed in the party. Lucas was also dressed by now, reaching for the doorknob. He turns around to look at Eliott with an awkward smile. Eliott appreciates it, even though Lucas was only being polite.

"You coming?" _why do you ask? why must you ask? you don't need me there _, he wants to say, but deep down he knows he won't, so he only nods. Lucas nods back, awkwardly, waiting for him to pass through him.__

__"Give - give me a minute, or two," he notices himself say, without actually meaning to, but he is glad his mind works faster than he thought. His voice shaking a little, which made Lucas frown. just go, he pleads, please don't make this harder. leave._ _

__"Are you okay? Do you want me to call someone? Sofiane? Idriss?" _why is he so kind?_ he asks himself again, feeling himself falling deeper and deeper in love. _he doesn't love you_ , he reminds himself, he has to before he does something stupid. Something reckless. Something he will regret. _i know_ , he whispers to himself, feeling like crying again, which made him feel like a fool, _god, i know_. He feels childish. _oh god, so what? you fell in love with someone who didn't. that happens. you aren't dying_._ _

__"No," he replies, "it's okay, really. You can go now, I have to do some stupid essay anyways."_ _

__Lucas chuckles at that and Eliott's heart swells. _he doesn't love you_ , the panicked voice reminds him in his head, Eliott quickly backs off again. "Will you be able to focus? The music is really loud."_ _

__"I never minded loud noises," he meant it seriously, but obviously Lucas thought he was being flirty again. He dryly laughed, saying 'so funny' sarcastically, but Eliott never meant to say this against Lucas being loud in bed._ _

__He finds himself not being able to be flirty and teasing as much as he used to be, he felt too sad to tease Lucas. He was so afraid he would say something wrong that would make Lucas back away, making him lose the only part of Lucas he selfishly can take. It was not fair for Lucas. Wasn't it taken as taking advantage of him? _no, it isn't, he wants it too. he does. you're being dramatic_._ _

__Too many thoughts passed through his mind, he was slowly breaking inside. He knew it would burst when Lucas leaves. Why didn't he do it till now? Why was he taking so long with that pretended caring about him? God, it was too overwhelming for Eliott, it was hard keeping it together when the only thing he wanted to do was cry and break down in silence. _he doesn't care about you! he doesn't love you! he doesn't, he doesn't, he doesn't_ !_ _

__"Lucas, you can go now. I'll probably also be there in five minutes. Don't worry," _he isn't worried. he doesn't care. why would he care? god, why did you say that? he probably feels weirded out, he doesn't know what to say now. good job_._ _

__"Okay," Lucas says quietly, leaving his doorstep and closing the door after himself. _see?_._ _

__Eliott finds himself feeling down much more often than before the time he and Lucas started this _thing_. He knows it isn't his fault, he can't control it after all, but his surroundings and situation he ends up being in have a little influence on it. And being in unrequited love is having a big influence and control in his episodes._ _

__He should end this with Lucas, for both of their sakes. He only can't find himself to do so, because he doesn't want to lose Lucas. He doesn't really have him, he knows that, but there's only one way to keep at least one part of Lucas for himself. To soothe his love in the lusty nights they spend together._ _

__He doesn't even notice the first tear rolling down his cheek. But he registers the many more following after, bringing choking sobs and painful aching in his chest as a company. _Lucas_ , his heart whispers, _only if he could stay_. He could, of course, he could. _he just doesn't want to_._ _

__He doesn't notice his door being open. He only notices Sofiane's head peaking in, looking for him. _Sofiane!_ he wants to scream after his friend, suddenly feeling so glad Sofiane was here. He needed to know someone cared about him. He needed to hear it, after all those reminders of that one person he needs to be loved by not caring._ _

__Sofiane's eyes finally catch him, but when he sees him his face fell a little. _oh god, look how terrible of a friend you are! you only make your friends sad_._ _

__He slowly closed the door behind himself and sat next to him on his bed. "It's probably useless to ask you if you are okay, no?" he says with a dry chuckle, only he wasn't joking at all. "You know, you made Lucas worried. I saw him coming out of your room and he immediately looked for me or Idriss."_ _

__"He wasn't worried," he corrects him, "why would he be worried? He doesn't care."_ _

__"Do you think he would look for us if he didn't?" Sofiane asks softly, his hand reaching out to caress his shoulder, to soothe him._ _

__Eliott's eyes are filled with tears again, everything is too much again, and he doesn't want to talk about it, he doesn't want to think about, he doesn't even want to exist anymore. Talking is too much, breathing is too much, hell, _existing_ is too much._ _

__"I don't want to talk about it anymore," he says after a while, Sofiane sighs._ _

__"Okay. But...Listen. I think you should either end things for good, well, end whatever that's between you two...because it's doing more harm than good. If it does good for anyone who does this. Why don't you just confess to him? I'm sure everything will be easier for both of you," Eliott can't believe Sofiane actually thinks that. But there is something about the tone he says it, makes it sound so easy, when no, it's not easy at all, because yeah, there is this teeny-tiny detail - Eliott fucking loves him._ _

__"Easier? Yeah, easier for him to end everything and leave me completely. Or what exactly did you have on your mind? That I would grow any worth in his eyes? Sofiane, what world do you even live in? Nothing will be easier. I'm a burden even sometimes to my parents, how would _Lucas_ feel with me? He would leave sooner or later anyway, but this wouldn't happen anyways. Maybe only in my wildest dreams. Sofiane, Lucas doesn't like me. He doesn't even want me, he doesn't care about me, I'm literally nothing for him. Why would he care? If I ever confess to him, I'll only get my heart broken more than it already is," he almost chokes on his own sobs in the halfway of his speech, so he hides his face in his hands, "I don't think you heard me the first time, so let me repeat myself - _I don't want to talk about it._ "_ _

__"Okay," Sofiane says guilty, his fingers softly caress his shoulder again, "I'm sorry for pushing."_ _

__Eliott feels disgusted with himself even more than he already had._ _

__******* _ _

__He knew the episode was coming when he was lying in his bed in early Monday morning, feeling so useless, even the thought of waking up was exhausting to him. Everything became exhausting, and it wasn't even the worst part of the episode behind him._ _

__His thoughts were the ones making him feel this exhausted. When his body was unable to move, his mind took its place and wandered million miles away, questioning his existention and making him feel even worse. Why was he here? Why was he here if he had no purpose to anything? Why was he _still_ here?_ _

__He has thought about suicide before. It hadn't mattered to him that much now, but back then he would think it was the only way out. The only way to escape his own thoughts, his cruel mind and cruel voice in his head, whispering to him that he didn't matter to anyone. _Sofiane and Idriss would quickly get used to the fact he wasn't there, his parents will too, hell, they probably got used to him always being a hundred miles away from them with his thoughts, never really listening to them. They told him Lucille was so good for him, and yet they broke up. They told him to take his medicine, yet he did anything but that_._ _

___Lucas_ \- Lucas. _God, that boy probably didn't know what his last name was. That boy didn't care about anything involved with Eliott, most probably the only thing he cared about was that he had a hot body to fuck. If...If Eliott wasn't there, he probably wouldn't notice.__ _

___No, he will. He would only say 'What a shame' and find someone much better, it wasn't that hard to honestly._ _ _

__When he heard his phone getting a notification, he wanted to ignore it. It was too exhausting to turn around and lean out of bed anyway._ _

__But in the end he did it anyway, turning around so slowly as if his body was made of lead, his limbs feeling like jello and he huffed a breath out of annoyance._ _

__He was surprised to see it was from Lucas. They saw each other two days ago, whenever he wanted to hook up he would text him at Thursday night, he never got a text from him on Monday, literally two days after seeing him._ _

__Eliott opened the message, feeling confused, refusing to let the hope spread up._ _

__**from Lucas** :  
hey, you ok?_ _

__Eliott shook his head, killing every hope that tried to enter his mind. It still didn't mean anything. It was kind of awkward on Saturday, it was in his nature to make sure everyone is okay around him. It had nothing to do with Eliott, not really._ _

__He felt so angry all of sudden. Why must it be like this? Why did he have to get into this and fall in love? Was it really falling in love? Wasn't he just being obsessive?_ _

__Why did Lucas had to be so cruel? Why couldn't he at least _try_ to pretend he cares? At least try to not look so oblivious with how Eliott literally meant nothing to him?_ _

__Eliott was _tired_. He had enough of feeling that sorrow aching inside his chest, making his eyes teary. At first, he wanted to type a quick no, but he decided to be difficult. _Yeah, be as difficult as you can_._ _

__**to Lucas** :  
as if you care now._ _

__The response came only a few minutes after, the last one Eliott read before he left his phone on his bed, falling asleep, not caring what else Lucas had to say._ _

__He felt his phone vibrate with notifications, but this time he didn't answer, didn't even look at them. He simply fell asleep. The safest alternative to escape_ _

____**from Lucas** :  
what??  
eliott, what do you mean?  
please call me. 

__******* _ _

__He was up when Idriss and Sofiane came back home, but he still pretended to be asleep, just because. He didn't feel like talking, he knew that they won't make him talk, but he still didn't want them to know he wasn't asleep anymore._ _

__Maybe they won't make so much noise if they thought he was asleep. Eliott wanted peace more than anything, appreciating peaceful moments now more than he usually does._ _

__He heard his door slowly cracking open, not knowing who came inside - it only might be either Sofiane or Idriss, they check on him here and there when he has an episode, to his own surprise it never really bothered him. It was nice knowing someone cares and is not obsessive about it. Not mothering him, not making themselves an expert for what's best for Eliott, not making themselves their own therapist for him._ _

__The door closed after a few seconds, either of his best friends noticing him not moving, from which they probably dedicated he was still asleep._ _

__After a while, Eliott noticed the apartment being too quiet for both Idriss or Sofiane. Not even television was on. Did something happen?_ _

__Time passed, it could be minutes, it also could be hours - but Eliott heard footsteps. Voices. Idriss talking._ _

___"Yeah, I suggest you to come, like, whenever but now. Lemme tell you it's really not a good time for a talk,_ " who was he talking to? He doubted he would say something like this to Sofiane._ _

___"But - he texted me...really weird stuff. I need to talk to him,_ " oh no, what has he done? Why is Lucas here? Did he take his message too personally? _why would he do that?__ _

___"It wouldn't do any good right now,_ " he thanked gods for Sofiane and Idriss. Without them, he would've probably said some ugly things to Lucas and regret it all later._ _

___"I don't know what did I do to - to...to make him say something like that. Did - did I...huh. Did he say something to you guys? Like, if I hurt him or anything like that?_ " Eliott found weird how from the numbness he felt guilt creeping into him all of sudden. Fuck, why did Lucas act like this? He is so confusing. Eliott was getting lost._ _

___"No_ ," Sofiane lies immediately. He doesn't do that a lot, only when it's necessary, which yeah, it was necessary right now. It wasn't his story to tell anyways, Eliott was glad he understood it._ _

___"But, hey. He - he gets like this sometimes. It isn't your fault. He just...he doesn't feel good right now. But I strongly suggest you to actually talk to him when he gets better. No, I'm close to begging you to do exactly that. You haven't heard it from me..but he hasn't been this down since..since some really fucked up things happened. No, no fucked up, that's kinda too much I think..._ " Idriss wasn't as understanding as Sofiane, or as it seemed. But Eliott wasn't mad. He knew why did he do it. He was concerned and worried and saw this as an opportunity to get Eliott out of his misery, or something like that. Eliott understood._ _

__But he knew what did this mean._ _

__He is going to end things between them. No, not Lucas, him. He is going to grow some balls and just do it himself, say to Lucas how being fuck buddies is never going to work, and no, neither friends with benefits will. he'll say ' _someone will always catch feelings'_ , but no, this wasn't a time for him to confess that he already did either._ _

__He got so lost in his own thoughts he didn't hear Lucas leaving or when did their conversation stop. But both of these things probably happened, if the silence was anything to go by. Neither of his best friends said anything, they just kept the silence._ _

__The silence was kinda getting on his nerves._ _

__******* _ _

__A week passed by unnoticed. It didn't feel like a whole week to him. It simply felt like minutes turning into hours, too soon he dares to say. But even when he didn't want it, life went on the week he hadn't felt like existing. Sofiane went to university, Idriss went to his work, both of them trying to get him to eat something, but also both of them knowing better. He could get really stubborn sometimes, getting him to eat was close to impossible in those days._ _

__It usually takes a week, sometimes two, but he always gets better. Getting better now seemed like a universe, million miles away from him. But, also, he had to admit it was more bearable, so now he has no excuses to not go to school, he had to get up at some point. University was nothing like high school. He either was there or they will mercilessly kick him out of the program. And he wasn't present for a whole week, so he had to go now. He loved that school and fought hard to get in. He is going to that fucking school even when he is going to feel like shit. He isn't going to lose his whole future, he is not._ _

__So, he woke up, his body aching because of all the inactivity he kept for the whole week. Went straight to the bathroom, to get rid of his awful morning breath hadn't bothered with breakfast and went straight to school. It was probably a mistake._ _

__He was glad college wasn't like high school. No one cared about him not turning up in it for a week and then suddenly bursting in like nothing happened. No stolen glances at him. No surprised faces of his classmates. No curious looks. No nothing. Simply, he was glad._ _

__And neither did professors, thank god. None of them cared about one of the fifty people in their class, it was only his own responsibility._ _

__He expected the day to go especially slow, now not even being mad about that, because he was not ready to text Lucas. To ask him if he was free today. Him answering _yeah. where do you want to meet?_ and obviously expecting them to hook up. He probably won't think that Eliott will end things between them, well, if that what is between them can even be considered a _thing_._ _

__He certainly didn't expect the day to go with a speed of a light, almost as if the first lesson replaces itself with the last one. As if the universe was himself making fun of him. _you have to do it now_ , he tells himself, and for the first time, he actually listens._ _

____**to Lucas** :  
hey  
are you free today? 

____**from Lucas** :  
not until five  
wanna meet up? 

__Eliott slowly inhales, realizing just how shaky his breath was._ _

____**to Lucas** :  
yeah. meet you at the coffee shop at six  
you know which one 

____**from Lucas** :  
??  
why there? 

__He knew Lucas so well if the knowledge of his reactions was anything to go by. But really, it was so obvious, if Eliott texted, Lucas automatically thought they are going to hook up. Once he made a mere mistake to text him, simply to ask how his biology exam went and Lucas only answered with ' _?? lol why are u asking? why do you care?'_ And Eliott was _not_ going to admit how hurt he felt, so since then he didn't text Lucas once to ask what's up._ _

__And now it was no different, so he decided to be straight with him, as stupid as it sounded. His fingers were shaking and his heart was pounding loudly in his chest as if it tried to beat its way from there._ _

__**to Lucas** :  
because we need to talk_ _

____**from Lucas** :  
woah  
now i'm scared, hah 

__He didn't answer to that, simply put his phone back into his pocket and walked his way back to his apartment. The walk was not long, considering how close his school was._ _

___The time is so weird_. That was the first thought that flew his mind when he laid down on his bed, not feeling like eating anything for lunch again._ _

__But really, it was true._ _

__When he felt good, it goes so fast and never lasts, happiness feeling like a mere memory to him in the moment. Time really does fly, especially when you feel so good, nothing can hurt you, and you feel like flying._ _

__But when he feels sad it goes slow, almost making him feel like it will never go away. Like he will never be happy again as if he was not worthy of any lasting happiness. He always had a thing for things he could never have. Now it was no different. He does everything, everything to make himself worthy of Lucas' love. He would give him anything, he would if he could._ _

__Now he has understood it. No matter how much he tries, he will never be able to give Lucas anything he wanted, anything he _deserved_. Something like a normal relationship - he will never have that with Eliott. With his mental illness, it was not possible. What else was he supposed to thing when all of his relationships went to hell? Who else could he blame?_ _

__Still, Lucas had to like him first to have a relationship with him. He doesn't. And that was the main problem. The thing that broke his heart so many times. The thought that made him feel like crying himself to sleep or started the emotional numbness he felt._ _

___But only if you love him, really love him, you'll let him go. And you will_._ _

__The three hours passed away like a wind, feeling like only a couple of minutes. When he looked at his phone and saw that it indeed was 16:48, he realized that it was time to go, if he didn't want to be late._ _

__The thing was that the meeting won't be long. Fifteen minutes, half an hour tops. He will feel numb, he won't feel the sorrow right in the moment, no._ _

__It will come slowly in his way home, in the late-night hour when he will be lying in his bed, staring at the ceiling, only there and then realizing what he has done. And it will be irreparable. Impossible to undo. He will never have Lucas back._ _

__And it will be good like that._ _

__It was 16:58 when he arrived at the coffee shop, the one he and Lucas met. He didn't want to be reminded of that moment, but he still was._ _

__He instantly went inside and sat at the corner where Lucas will be able to see him. He was aware he will have to wait for Lucas. It could be ten minutes, it could be fifteen, hell, it could even be half an hour. It was Lucas' thing, being late constantly. It irritated Eliott at the moment. He wanted this to be over already, it was so useless to wait. He already decided for both of them, knowing Lucas would get tired of him at some point in the future, so why wait?_ _

__He was right, but at least it was eleven minutes, not half an hour. It was not fair for him to look so beautiful. With his wild hair, sticking into every direction, tired smile and the blue jacket he secretly loved. Fuck, he knew he was screwed. It will be so hard._ _

__"Well, hello," he smiles as he sits down, "What did you want to talk about? I really hope it's not a way of yours to get it on in the bathroom because I really don't feel like it."_ _

__Oh, sweet Lucas. He was so naïve. "No, it's not. It really, really is not," he sighs and that was what made Lucas serious, suddenly. And maybe a little confused._ _

__"Okay, so..what is it, do you need something?" fuck, why was that the first thing that flew Lucas' mind when he wanted to talk? God, what did he seriously think of Eliott?_ _

__"I do," he said, completely changing the tone, "I need the thing, that's between us, to be over."_ _

__Lucas fucking _chuckled_ at him and rolled his eyes, softly kicking him under the table. "Hey, no need to take that personally. You haven't been yourself in weeks, that's why I asked that."_ _

__"I didn't take it personally. That's the thing I wanted to talk about. I wanted to tell you it's over," Lucas looked like he was waiting for Eliott to tell him it was a joke. Eliott only had no intention to do so._ _

__"Okay, there is no way you're being serious right now," he exhales and shifts in his seat._ _

__"But I _am_ , Lucas."_ _

__"Fine! Tell me why," Lucas looked him straight in the eye and now Eliott was the one shifting uncomfortably in his seat. He didn't want to confess to Lucas, he didn't want him to know he was in love with him then, he certainly didn't want him to know now._ _

__"There is no reason _why_ -"_ _

__"There obviously fucking is," Lucas was pissed off, fuck. Why? Why did it matter so much to him?_ _

__"Only there really fucking isn't. Maybe I got tired of being fuck buddies, so I'm calling it off."_ _

__"You didn't seem so sure of it when you were fucking me last weekend," he crosses his arms, his ocean eyes looking bigger than usually, not in a weird way, but in a way he felt like he could drown in them and _fuck_ , why was he turning everything against him? He's literally doing them both a favor._ _

__" _You_ were the one wanting to fuck. Don't fucking turn this against me, Lucas, and start respecting that I don't want to do this anymore," Eliott returns the furious tone and Lucas looked like he was on the verge of crying. _Was he trying to make Eliott feel guilty? Or was he seriously hurt?_._ _

__"But why? _Why?_ What have I done wrong? It's - It feels like it's my fault," his voice was shaking and Eliott was already reconsidering if everything was seriously a good idea, when no, he knew it wasn't, but at this point, he had no choice._ _

__"But it wasn't, Lucas," Eliott sighs and shakily inhales, "it-god, it's not about you. Have you thought about that? That things aren't always your fault. This one, right now, is my fault. And this is the way I'm taking responsibility for that. You haven't done anything wrong, not really."_ _

__"What happened?" he asks instantly and Eliott wished so much he would just let it go. He stayed quiet and Lucas sighed, "Can't you just tell me that fucking reason?"_ _

__"Fuck," he whispers to himself and frowns at Lucas, because god, he was acting like a complete asshole,"why do you have to push? Maybe you can reconsider things before you make people tell you something, because yeah, maybe there is a reason why they don't want you to know."_ _

__Lucas looked at him, betrayal taking over his entire face._ _

__"So there is no way it isn't something I did, you wouldn't be acting like this otherwise," he huffs and Eliott pleaded him to just _shut up_ so many times in his mind._ _

__"It isn't! How many times do I have to tell you before you actually believe me?" his palms were sweaty and he was shaking from how furious he felt. Lucas made him feel like he was in an empty space, where he was not able to breathe properly and he felt so anxious._ _

__"Then tell me!" after this, Eliott completely loses it, no longer caring what he had to lose._ _

__"I'm fucking in love with you, okay?" Lucas looked like his whole world stopped turning. But in no good way. Actually in any way, but in a good one. Fuck, Eliott felt like crying._ _

__"Is that what you wanted to know so much you pushed so hard? You fucking made me feel like I have no choice, but to tell you when otherwise I fucking wouldn't, I would've left it be and you will live your life happily without knowing."_ _

__"Eliott...Eliott I-"_ _

__"Don't. Don't do this. I fucking know, okay. Don't do anything at this point. Just leave me alone. Leave," he hid his face in his hands, pushing them so hard against his eyes so he won't cry._ _

__He heard Lucas getting up from his seat and suddenly he didn't want to cry._ _

__Fuck._ _

__Fuck, this is so messy._ _

__It's over. _Over_. He lost Lucas. He never had him in a first place, he knew that, but now it felt like he completely lost him, messed everything up._ _

__And it _hurts_. God, it hurts, even though he knew it would and tried to prepare himself to it, but nothing could prepare him to what it actually felt like. That feeling when you lose a person you care about._ _

__He sat in there for another hour and even though he felt like shit the time went so fast._ _

__Everything hurt._ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a big thank you belongs to sweet @evelin24 who helped me a lot! thank you, thank you♥♥♥  
> also i literally know nothing about bipolar disorder and episodes in it, so please let me know if I wrote something incorrectly about it!  
> i hope you enjoyed, even though it’s super angsty, also i’m probably going to make a second part, because i’m all in for happy endings!


	2. healing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Love takes off masks that we fear we cannot live without and know we cannot live within."
> 
> au; Lucas makes a big dumb mistake out of being dumbass he is. Partly. The second one at the fault is his panic and fear that are controling his life. But Lucas decides he doesn't want to be afraid anymore. And so he tries to fix things. Note the word "tries".
> 
> And maybe he isn't afraid anymore, but he definitely is still a dumbass.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> welp, i'm back with this-uh. this.  
> i hope you enjoy this, even though i’m not really as happy with this as i should be and even when i think there are many mistakes that i don’t know how to fix i still hope you’ll enjoy it! :D

Lucas felt like an asshole.

Like a complete, utter asshole, a heartless moron.

Even thought of that night made him feel guilt twisting his guts. An image of Eliott's teary eyes and shaky voice, his pleads for Lucas to leave keeps repeating itself in Lucas' mind, slowly torturing him.

He sees a glimpse of Manon's worrying eyes watching him as if she was waiting for him to spill his life story or something, which he successfully ignores and keeps on moping in their shared living room. His gaze is unfocused, his eyes set on one particular thing that he keeps on looking at while his mind wanders a million miles away.

Lucas can't stop thinking about that night ever since he came back home, well, at the flatshare. The words _I'm in love with you'_ are repeating like a broken record, reminding him of the mistake he made. A couple of mistakes. In fact, he could write a book, all about the mistakes he's made.

He wants to go to Eliott's apartment and apologize, to tell him all about his fears and mistakes, but he feels like his opportunity is missed, that he is too late and everything he has done is irreparable, impossible to fix.

And he is missing Eliott, god knows just how much he's missing him. He is missing his touch, his voice, his face. His face above them all, especially when he smiles. His smile was almost blinding with its brightness, and perhaps his smile was a starter for Lucas' unholy thoughts and the panic. Lucas used to tell himself they only like to have fun, and of course he couldn't ruin their fun with his stupid feelings, he told himself even if something else happened, nothing good will develop from it. None of his friends even know he likes boys, hell, he himself can't sometimes come to terms he really is gay.

No girl ever made shiver come down his back like Eliott's electric touch does, no girl made his heartbeat so fast like Eliott's smile does and...fuck it. He fell in love, he really did, and it scared him. It scared the shit out of him, so he tells himself that no, _no, no he didn't_ , that thing he is feeling isn't love, it's only a mere attraction he is confusing with love.

And for a while, it worked. He kept the game on, he kept on turning away from Eliott's gaze, he tried so hard to keep Eliott away from him when they weren't together, he turned him down whenever he asked something about him or tried to get to know him better, because that was a step closer to something he isn't ready for, or at least that was what he tried to make himself believe, but really he was only a coward. And all of that came back later to bite him in the ass.

Eliott started acting strange. He never refused to hook up, but he just kept on _looking_ at Lucas, looking at him as if he hung the moon, and when they were done, he just kept on lying on the bed, physically there with him, but his mind was wandering a billion miles away from Lucas, if he didn't remind him he was still there he doubted Eliott would notice if he stayed or if he left.

He probably thought Lucas didn't notice, but he did, oh fuck he did, he noticed he wasn't his charming self for weeks now, having no clue what was bothering him. Never would he thought it was all because of him, that Eliott must've suffered for weeks, all because of his stupid fear.

He should've done something when Eliott told him he fell in love, he should've told him what that thing was all about, but he is too much of a coward to do that. And so he did the thing he feared the most people would've done to him - he left. He left Eliott with the tears in his pretty eyes and heartbreaking inside his chest, his sudden panic being at fault.

He remembered feeling an utter confusion and maybe a little hurt when Eliott texted him on Monday, doubting he would really care about him, when he did, he was only a big moron. He immediately spammed him with texts, with pleads to call him, only so he could say 'fuck it' and go to Eliott's to have a word or two with Eliott.

And maybe...maybe he would be able to tell him about fear to be out of the closet and not being accepted by his friends, perhaps even about him never feeling like this and being afraid of not handling it.

But Eliott wasn't feeling well, which burst his little hope bubble. He started worrying and it was twisting his guts, because Eliott was not well and probably didn't want to be annoyed by him, but he possibly could be waiting for him to text him, which he couldn't force himself to do, so maybe Eliott _hated_ him...or maybe he was only overthinking everything and Eliott didn't expect anything from him...

All in all, he couldn't sleep for the whole week. When he gets worried or sad he tends to stay up all night, overthinking everything. He sighed in relief when Eliott _finally_ texted him, thinking that it will be like it was before, but he was utterly wrong. He never would've thought Eliott will end everything between them completely out of nowhere, not knowing what else to do he grasped anything he could turn against Eliott, back then he didn't care if that made him a bad person or if he was hurting him, he was aware he was being selfish, but at that moment he wasn't thinking, panic absolutely controlled him and his actions.

He did everything just so Eliott won't make his words come true, he simply couldn't get over the fact it would be over between them. No late Friday nights inside Eliott's small room, them both being out of breath and lying down in complete peace for a minute. Lucas loved those nights, the only problem being that the night went too quickly, everything was over too soon and Lucas was not ready to go home. He wanted to stay, to stay forever, knowing very well Eliott would let him. And the thought of that made him jump from the bed and dress himself so quickly, he was out of Eliott's apartment in no time.

This one mere thought could entirely alarm him, feeling nothing but fear of judgment. What would his friends say? What would his mom say? How long could relationship like this last?

But all of them were nothing compared to what he actually _felt_ for Eliott. That was what he was afraid of the most.

It was a strong feeling, one he never felt before. How could he be able to handle this all? So he bottled everything inside him, only letting his guard down in late nights in Eliott's arms, strangely feeling like himself for the first time in a while.

The problem was he was not supposed to feel like this, this was not _right_ , he wasn't even sure he like boys, if he truly was gay, everything was so strange and new and _confusing,_ he was just so scared. The one true terror was when he realized Eliott felt like home he could always return to, without consequences and obligations, whenever he felt down, he just came to Eliott and lost himself in his soft touch and pleasure.

It made him a horrible person, he was aware of that. He denied himself so many things, he was sure Eliott won't become one until he did. He denied himself the look in his eyes, knowing very well what he would find in them, he denied himself Eliott's touch, he denied that he wanted more than lustful nights in Eliott's apartment. Because at first, he was sure that no, he didn't need more, they were only having fun with no feelings attached. Only the look in Eliott's eyes and he knew he was being a fool, so he stopped looking into his eyes, he made that fucking rule he repeated until Eliott understood.

And he couldn't get over that Eliott would take away from him the only thing that made him not lose his mind. So he pushed and pushed, just so he won't lose it. He still did lose it. And when he looked Eliott straight in the eyes for the first time in a while he saw just how much he hurt him and he realized how much of a horrible mistake he made.

And here he was, I guess.

"Are you okay?" he hears a small voice coming from his left side, bringing him back to reality, knowing exactly who was talking to him. Manon still had her worrying face on, eyeing him the whole time. She kept her stare on ever since he came home and, him being his dramatic angry self, started moping around the flatshare. He knew Mika and Lisa also noticed, but Lisa obviously didn't care and Mika tried to come up with something to ask him. He was glad he didn't come up with anything yet.

But how could he possibly answer Manon? If he says yes she won't believe him if he says no she will dig in it till she has an answer she wants. And he didn't felt like coming out to her yet, shit, she had no idea he had a thing, but not really a _thing_ , with Eliott.

So he answers with a shrug, to which she raises an eyebrow at him in a quiet question he doesn't want to answer. When she realizes he won't answer her, she sighs and asks again.

"Do you want to talk?" and really, does he want to talk? Probably no. Definitely no. No, he doesn't know, so that's why the answer is a simple 'I don't know'. Lately, he is confused about everything.

"You know if you want to talk, I'm here. About anything, really. You know that, right?" he looks at her and tries to offer her a small smile, but the corners of his mouth rise only a little, the smile visible only very hardly. She won't accept that as an answer, so he also nods his head.

"Yeah," he says with a small voice, "Yeah, I know."

*******

It's Thursday and his day went unbearably slowly, but going after school to Imane's to revise biology with her isn't much of relief either. It isn't about Imane, god knows how much he loves that girl, he just..he literally wants to do anything but biology. He had plenty of problems and biology was not one of them. He wanted to go home and stay in his sad little bubble, where no one will annoy him. He didn't feel like revising questions about daughter cells, the problem here was he already promised Imane he will help her, and she'd murder him if he turned his offer down.

But at least she offered her place this time, so he could make up an excuse and leave sooner. It was not that big of a deal as throwing Imane out of the flatshare would be, but it still doesn't make him any better person. Fuck, lately he was slowly realizing how much of a bad person he really is.

He sat down on Imane's bed and he went through the paper they were supposed to get over with till Monday, but he couldn't focus, feeling like complete shit. He sighs, unaware of the sound he just made. Imane's eyes shoot up to him and she raises her eyebrows.

"What's eating you?" she asks and he immediately shakes his head.

"Nothing, nothing," her face screamed _'bullshit'_ at him and he turns away from her gaze, "I'm just really tired, I haven't slept well in a while."

"Insomnia again?" he nods his head slowly, and he felt better knowing that he wasn't lying to Imane, even though insomnia wasn't his main problem. It wouldn't even get to the top fifty on the list. "Have you been to the school nurse? Maybe she could help?"

"No, I haven't gone there. But, to be honest, I don't really plan to go there either," he mumbles, after which Imane's hand meets with the back of his head. He scratches the hit spot and watches Imane shake her head in disbelief.

"Unbelievable, you're even bigger of a dumbass than I thought," she sighs and returns to her papers while Lucas shrugs.

"You have no idea," his tone changes completely without him willing to do so and Imane looks at him again, her gaze softening a little.

"You should get help, you know. I'm not going to make you, it's your decision to make after all, but at least take this advice - never bottle these things up. Never. Because they always find their way out to bite you in the ass. And the situation might get worse than it is, even when you think you've hit rock bottom, you actually didn't have to hit it yet."

Lucas tries to offer her a small smile and actually succeed. "Since when does Imane Bakhellal give advice?"

She snorts and kicks his leg. "Shut the fuck up."

Lucas would've said something else if he didn't hear noises coming from downstairs. He raises an eyebrow and throws confused look Imane's way.

"You said no one will be at home?" Imane shrugs and takes the first paper in her hands.

"I did and I wasn't wrong. It's probably only Idriss, he said he forgot something here the last time he was here, only he said he'll stop by at evening. I don't know since when he considers three pm as evening, but eh. I couldn't care less," Lucas feels uncomfortable shiver making its way down his back when she mentioned her brother's name. Idriss. Eliott's best friend and roommate.

Fuck.

This felt like an opportunity he couldn't miss. He will regret it if he'll miss this opportunity to ask a little about Eliott, Idriss was his roommate, he should know a thing or two about his actual state.

"Can I use a bathroom?" he asks quickly, he has to be fast if he wants to catch Idriss while he is still here.

"Sure," Imane answers immediately, not even looking away from the papers. He jumps from his place on the bed and runs downstairs, Imane looks at him, look full of annoyance and confusion. Lucas ignores it, too busy running down the stairs and almost killing himself on one particular stair that he overlooked. He stumbles on it and only barely keeps his balance.

As he goes closer to the kitchen, even from the hall he is able to catch a glimpse of Idriss drinking an orange juice straight from the bottle near the kitchen table.

"Hey!" and really, this would probably be a good start if he hadn't yelled the greeting like a lunatic. It's no wonder that Idriss jumped at the sound of his voice. Okay, this all was probably a bad idea. But it's not like he can back out now, can he?

"Fuck, you almost caused me a heart attack," Idriss chuckles dryly. "Hi, Lucas. What are you doing here?"

"Uh, just revising biology with Imane. Big exam ahead of us, you know. She won't let me fail it," and after that follows a quite awkward silence. As if they had nothing to tell to the other, when Lucas had so much to ask, only feeling now like he couldn't put words into one common sentence.

"How - how are you doing? Still working?" he certainly did not mean to ask _that_ , god. Idriss looks surprised about the abrupt question but doesn't really say anything about it.

"I'm alright, I guess. Definitely still working," Lucas nods at the answer dumbly, Idriss follows him and also nods, looking uncomfortable. Lucas could relate so much and really, he felt kind of sorry for Idriss, he was the one who Lucas caught first and was going to torture with subtle-but-not-subtle-at-all questions, all of them leading to nothing but Eliott.

"Still living in the flatshare? With Eliott and Sofiane?" he can't miss how Idriss kind of flinches when he hears Eliott's name, but he also might be imagining that all. Idriss doesn't know about the thing between them two, neither does Sofiane, no? So why would Idriss react like that? Lucas was only being dramatic and delusional, as always.

"Well, yeah. Why wouldn't I?" the change of the tone makes Lucas confused. Okay, this isn't going to end well.

"I don't know," the sheepish answer makes Idriss frown at him and Lucas looks down, defeated, "Okay, to hell with all this. How is Eliott?"

Idriss' frown remains. "What?"

"I asked how is Eliott doing. I haven't talked to him for a quite long time, so I'm curious," he wants to roll his eyes because his question was so _easy_ and yet Idriss didn't understand?

"I don't think it's really your place to ask this, though," Lucas blinks dumbly at him. Twice. He definitely knew about everything that happened, he knows that Lucas is a piece of crap that broke his best friend's heart, he _knows_ -

No. He will keep the game on, he has to. He will play dumb. "Uh, what?"

"Look, Lucas," Idriss sighs and gives him a look that Lucas has trouble to read, "I don't know what you're thinking, but I know. I _know_. Not everything, but I know enough. Why do you think I suggested you to talk to him after he gets better? Because I didn't think that you'd make things even worse than they already were. I don't know what _he_ is thinking either, perhaps that we are that dumb to not notice that he hasn't been good since fucking forever. We used to mistake it with episodes all the time, but no, these are no fucking episodes. He used to talk to Sofiane all the time, but barely talked to me, which used to hurt back then, but now I'd give anything to have that interaction back. Having him talk, having him eat regularly back. Having good days back. Neither of us knows what to do, we are clueless. So you want to know what we do?"

Lucas is too shocked to answer, his thoughts running through his mind at the speed of light and he feels guilt eating his insides, his eyes getting wet and his heart beating its way out of his chest. He didn't understand what Idriss meant by 'episodes', but he had no time to re-think all that Idriss has said because Idriss kept on talking, Lucas could barely hear him through the blood rushing through his ears, making him almost deaf. But he still listened.

"We do absolutely nothing, we just leave him to drown in his tears. Maybe he thinks we didn't notice any of that, that I still think you're just a friend, but you're barely that, Lucas. I liked you, I really did, and I'm not blaming you for any of this, of course I'm not. I kind of get it, because yeah, you can't make yourself like someone you don't like. I know that, but please don't come to me and ask me how he is doing. How could he possibly be doing?"

He felt his eyes being filled with tears, feeling so small suddenly next to Idriss, which in this case had nothing to do with his height. Lucas felt like a child again, a child that's being lectured by his parents. He didn't blame Idriss for being mad at him, he was Eliott's best friend, after all, he would've been mad too if someone broke Yann's heart and even had the nerve to talk to him after that. But small pieces of Idriss' monologue cut deeply into his heart, pieces like _'you're barely even friend'_.

"I-," he starts, but his voice breaks, so he has to start over. "I get why you are mad. I-I know I fucked up, fucked everything up. At the point that there is no returning back, but there are things you don't understand. I'm not sure even Eliott understands them."

It seemed like a good start because Idriss hasn't tried to talk over him yet, that was one thing. The other thing was that he wasn't looking at him the way he looked at him before, but that barely changed anything.

"I'm gay, Idriss. And you really should be honored, because you're the first one hearing this leaving my mouth. I was in the closet for a really long time, thinking that it was normal, but then I had my first girlfriend that I dumped two weeks after because it simply couldn't work. Then the thing between Eliott and I started, and I kept on saying to myself that there isn't anything serious here. But then something changed. I figured these must be feelings I have for Eliott, so I panicked. I completely freaked out. I didn't know how my friends would react to that and I still don't know that, but now I'm sure I don't want my life being controlled by fear, because it not only caused me pain, but also Eliott. And I don't want that. I want Eliott to be happy, but I don't know if it's not too late for that."

Idriss remains quiet for a while. He breaks the silence after a minute or two. "Honestly, Lucas, I have no idea what to tell you. I had no idea about this, I thought that- huh. There is most definitely one thing that's clear - you have to come clean with your friends. If their reaction will be anything but support I'm sorry, but they aren't really your friends. And with Eliott, I can now tell you one thing - this all you just told me you should've probably told Eliott. I can't tell you how he'd react, but it's better if he knows the truth. He should get that you were scared, but I can't speak for him. But you definitely need to talk. Because communication is a key and this thing that's happened between you now is the proof of that. Talk to him."

And Lucas will do that. He will. He only needs to grow some balls and courage to do it. He wants to jog back to Imane, who probably is already wondering where he was, but in the last second he turns around.

"I-thank you," he says, his voice small and quiet. He doesn't wait for an answer, this time he really does go back to Imane's room. When he enters her room, she looks up from the papers and look at him. He moves back to his spot next to her on her bed.

"Took you long enough," she mumbles, no longer looking at him. She didn't wait for his answer if her quick return to her papers was anything to go by. The girl probably heard him talking to her brother, but hasn't said a word about that.

Lucas only now realizes how lucky he is to call himself a friend of Imane.

*******

Lucas' heart pounds loudly in his chest when he stops in front of Eliott's university. He knew he goes there only thanks to Idriss, who told him he'd be in the studio after school. According to Idriss he comes home late, his reason for being home three hours after school ended was that he _'stopped in the studio'_.

Lucas hoped the studio will be empty by now, Eliott being the only student left there. He exhales shakily and turned to walk right into the studio. He was shaking a little, not knowing what to expect from Eliott. If Idriss was pissed off and he had nothing to do with it he could only imagine how Eliott must've felt. Was he angry? Was he sad? None of the above? Hell, was this even a good idea? Yeah, he and Eliott had to talk, but was now a good time to talk?

Lucas decides it's too late to turn back when he stood in front of the door to the studio. He opens them as quietly as is possible and steps in. The studio looked completely empty, if he didn't look closely he would've sworn that no one was inside. But then he hears a faint sound, a quiet song played on the piano. A mere game with fingers, so simple and soothing. He looks at the corner of the room where the piano is standing and he sees him. It has been so long since he seen him and he looks like hell.

Dark bags under his eyes and his face a little pale, otherwise he doesn't seem much different than he did before, but Lucas doesn't really see him as the boy that he was before. The cheerful, kind boy that Lucas liked looking at, not once thinking it could be weird and never considers it a crush because _everyone_ liked looking at him. Who wouldn't like to look at someone who was spreading love and happiness around himself without even realizing it?

Lucas felt awful feeling twisting his guts when the realization hits him. That boy is gone. He saw he was hurting, but he selfishly flipped it off, thinking it wasn't about him. And maybe it isn't, maybe Idriss and him read too much into it, perhaps something bad happened, something worse than what happened that night, and that was the reason of this all. _maybe Eliott already moved on_.

The soft songs suddenly stop and Lucas realizes it's too late because by then Eliott is looking at him, confused and angry.

"I- hey," he wants to face-palm himself when the words fly out of his mouth. Fuck, what was that?

Eliott opens his mouth to say something, but then he shuts it, shakes his head and starts collecting his things into his backpack instead. Shit, he has to step in right now, before Eliott leaves and he loses the chance.

The boy quickly moves closer and starts over again. "Eliott, please, I just want to talk."

Eliott zips his backpack and looks at him again, the anger showing in his eyes.

"I already told you everything I wanted to tell you, I have nothing to tell you," he growls and Lucas almost flinches at his tone. Eliott then again goes back to packing his things.

"But I do!" he says, almost begging. Eliott sighs heavily and turns to him.

"And what if I don't want to hear it? Have you thought about that? I'm sure I told you to leave me alone last time, and I meant it. So _leave_."

Lucas completely ignores what he just told him and shakes his head, stubbornly like a child. "Idriss and Sofiane, they...they told me you don't even talk to them anymore-"

"Since when are you such a big friend with Sofiane and Idriss?" Eliott snaps again and this time Lucas flinches. "Since when you talk to them?"

"I...I don't," he admits, looking at the floor, not having the courage to look him in the eyes. "I only talked to Idriss when I was at Imane's, I just wanted to know how you were doing."

"Oh, so suddenly after two hell weeks you remember me and you suddenly care about how I'm doing? I wonder what caused all this," Lucas looks at him with wet eyes, not wanting to let them spill. He would've looked like an idiot, _weak_.

"I only wanted to apologize, Eliott," he says with a small, shaky voice.

"Apologize for what exactly, Lucas?" Eliott huffs a breath. "For not liking me back? For acting like a complete asshole? Or did Idriss tell you everything you didn't know before that made you reconsider how you've been acting towards me? Pick something, since you have so much to choose from."

"Idriss hasn't really told me anything," he frowns at him, but soften his look when he sees Eliott's point. "And yes, I wanted to apologize for how - how I was acting. It must've confused and hurt you, which I sincerely apologize for."

"You know what, Lucas?" Eliott hasn't changed the tone, not even a little bit. "I couldn't care less about your apologies. Apologies won't do shit. In fact, you can go and fuck yourself with them. I know that you don't mean them, not really. You only pity me because you only discovered that I'm bipolar. Is that it, Lucas?"

"I-what? Bipolar?" after the words leave his mouth the realization hits him. All these episodes Idriss mentioned were about Eliott being _bipolar_. But that could never be the reason he wanted him back, from his mentally ill mother he knows people with mental illness want anything but pity, he could never want Eliott back out of _pity_.

"Eliott, Idriss didn't tell me you are bipolar. And even if he did, do you seriously think I'd come here out of pity?" Eliott blinks at him, obviously surprised. He is silent for a while, but when he speaks again his voice is small.

"I don't even know what to think anymore. What do you want me to think when all you do is leave? You leave every night, you left _that_ night, so what am I supposed to think about you? I hoped every day you'd call and tell me _something_ , anything at all, but you never did. At this point, I already thought you forgot about me. I don't even know what I expected, I only wanted the aching inside my chest to stop, but it didn't. And I can't see a reason why did you come here, I don't understand what else you want from me."

"I want you to hear me out," he pleads, at the verge of crying again. "I - you don't understand. You don't understand a lot of things and I wanted to explain. I don't even look for forgiveness, I want to _explain_."

"What do you want to explain? There is _nothing_ to explain."

"There is! There are so many things you think you understand, but you _don't_ ," he says with a shaky voice, uncomfortable shiver making its way down his back. "Things like me being gay. There are two people only who knows about it and _that's it_. You have to understand I was scared, so fucking scared, because not everyone has such understanding friends as you do. I have no clue how they'd react if I told them and that scared me."

Eliott seemed shocked and Lucas looked quickly at the floor to avoid looking at his eyes, worried so much he'd see something he didn't want to see in them. "And then there was this whole lying to myself thing. I considered you a _friend_ this whole time and yeah, there were a few benefits in our friendship, but I still considered you a friend. Because I couldn't bring myself to admit that yes, I'm fucking gay and I like boys. I was telling myself that we only like to have fun as many straight girls do these days. They kiss with no feelings attached, no one finds it weird. I thought it would work the same way, but it didn't. "

He took a deep breath before another of his long speeches. "It didn't because there were feelings attached the whole time. From both sides. And I was scared. Scared to come out, or at least to stop pretending that I didn't love it. Loved everything that was between us. That I didn't crave for more. I told myself to stop it, that it wasn't right and I lied to myself the whole time, just so I wouldn't worry about having to go out of the closet. I stopped you from getting any interests in me or to get to know me better, just so I could keep on lying to myself. And when you told me you fell in love I completely panicked. That's why I left."

They both were quiet for a long minute or two before Eliott broke the silence again. "I-I don't know what you want me to do."

"I don't really know either," he lies because lying is so easy. He doesn't want to be like that anymore. _he won't lie no more_. "No, that's - okay. I just, I want us to start over. There were very stupid mistakes made and I want to fix it. But I will understand if you don't want to."

The boy chews on his lower lip, making Lucas really nervous. "I'm not saying that I don't want that," he says quietly, but then he looks up and Lucas can't see anything but _no_ in them. "But I'm not sure if I want it either. I don't know, I- you said a lot. Too much. It's too much and I don't know yet. I need to think. I need time. Can you give me time? Because I can't answer now."

"Yeah," he answers and he collects some courage to look at Eliott again, and something changed. Lucas is filled with hope again. "Of course I can."

He will give him all the time in the world. Till then, he knows exactly what he has to do.

***

" _Lucas_ ," he hears a faint sound of his friend's voice, but he couldn't focus, he couldn't snap back to reality after everything that's happened with Eliott. He repeats their talk again and again ever since that day, which happened four days ago already, can't help but feel the hope creeping back.

"Lucaas," this time the voice is closer to him, which startles him and makes him blink, dumbly looking around himself.

"Hm?" is the first thing that flies out of his mouth, Arthur sighs and sits back on his spot on the couch.

"Nothing, I was just asking if you were here with us," yeah, he wasn't. "What's gotten into you?"

Lucas senses that _this is it_ , this is to moment he should come out, the destiny calling out to him, all of his friends sitting on the couch in Yann's living room. _But lying is so easy_. Easier. "Nothing," the boy answers with a shrug, his friend giving him an unimpressed look.

"Yeah, I'm calling bullshit," Yann is the one to speak now and Lucas shifts, uncomfortable. He wants to say it, god knows how much he wants it, but he can't bring himself to it, still feeling the fear setting shivers down his spine. "Troubles with mom again?" Yann speaks again and Lucas looks down at his shaking hands. Oh god, when did he start shaking?

He hesitantly shakes his head. "No, that's not it."

"Then what?" Basile is the one to ask now, making Lucas look up and reminds him that yes, all of his friends were here and listening to him, worried about him. Caring about him. _but one wrong word and it all could go to hell. is he really ready for this?_.

"I-" he starts, but his voice breaks, and he no longer finds the courage to look at them, so his gaze returned to his hands. "I fell in love."

No. _No_. This wasn't the thing he was supposed to say. Can he even tell them about Eliott? How much can he tell them? Fuck, this is so messy, _fuck_ , how does he manage to mess everything up every fucking time?

"Well, that's...great?" Arthur offers, hesitantly. "Who is it then? Do we know her?"

The problem lies right here. _It isn't even a girl_. How is he supposed to say that? Boldly, just go for it? Or the hints will do what he can't? No, Basile is still here. So, he goes for the first option.

"It isn't a girl," he says slowly, shaking all the way through saying the words. He wanted to come out, but he was simply so scared of not being accepted. Shit, he probably should've told one person at a time, telling two other people could be a bigger mess than coming out to one person, Yann for him preferably. But he was too stupid for that.

"Uh, what?" the Basile is the first one to speak, Arthur and Yann seem too shocked to say anything at the first minute. "You're gay?"

 _This is it, this is it, this is it_.

"I - yeah," his voice is terrible and shaky, but he is looking at them, no longer feeling shameful when the words are out, reminding himself what Idriss told him. _'if their reaction will be anything but support i'm sorry, but they aren't really your friends_.'

"Well, let me correct myself now," Arthur starts again, with a smirk on his face. "Do we know _him?_ "

Wait, what? That was it?

"What?" he throws a confused look his way.

"What?" Arthur asks and Lucas can only shake his head in disbelief.

"I just-" he inhales and shakes his head again. "I'm not going to lie, I expected a different reaction. I don't know."

"What did you think our reaction would be?" Yann frowns at that, Lucas only shrugs, because really, he himself doesn't know. He was scared, no, not scared, that's a weak word, he was _terrified_. And now, when the words are out, he feels like there was a huge weight lifted from his shoulders.

"I don't know," he says again. "I was scared that you would-"

He sighs and shakes his head. "That you would react _badly_. Really, _really_ badly. Like, I-don't-want-to-have-anything-to-do-with-you kind of badly."

"Why would you think that?" Yann frowns, Lucas only shrugs weakly.

"You're an absolute idiot, hope you are aware of that," Arthur shakes his head and Lucas let out a watery chuckle. _oh, he does now_.

"I support you! Go gays!" Basile says unnecessarily, but Lucas smiles anyways. He full-on laughs when Arthur bitch-faces him, elbows his ribs and mutters a quiet _you're an idiot_.

"But," Arthur starts over again, now facing Lucas. "You still haven't answered me. Who the fuck is it, Lucas! I'm serious, did he break your heart? If he did, he will fucking catch these hands, I'm not kidding. Yann will help me bury the body, won't he?"

Lucas looks down at his hands again, not sure if he can tell them about Eliott or no. In the end, he decides that fuck it, if Eliott could tell his friends about him, he sure as hell could tell the boys.

"Eliott," he says, receiving a few confused looks. "It's Eliott."

"Wait wait! Eliott? _Eliott Demaury?_ " Basile asks, a little too loudly, as if they were talking about some kind of superstar instead of Eliott. 

"Well, yeah. What other Eliott do you know?" Lucas rolls his eyes, but really surprised Basile remembers him.

"Did something happen between you two?" Yann is the one to speak, the boy bites his lips at the question. _tell them the truth. they heard you out, you owe them that_.

"We had sex. And not once," he admits, Basile throws a wide-eyed look his way.

"Fuck! That's where you vanished to on every single party we've been to. Damn," Arthur says when the realization hits him, Lucas can only weakly nod.

"Yeah. But he fell in love with me," he bites his lips and sighs. "That's where it went to shit."

"What?" Yann questions, confused. "You said you fell in love with him too, no? So why?"

"I was in the closet, that's why," he tries to explain, but Yann still hasn't seemed like he understood. "I - uh. Was scared. No, I was _terrified_. I have never felt like this before, no girl has ever made me feel like this. _No one_ did. It was new, it was weird, and for a long time, I was convinced it was wrong. Everyone ever around me told me how same-sex relationships were wrong and disgusting. I thought it was true, but I didn't want to give up the one thing that ever felt right to me."

"But?" Arthur asks, obviously noticing that there was _'but'_.

"But Eliott started to act weird. Like he never was there with me, like he was hundreds of miles away from me when I was with him, he looked just.. _sad_. But I convinced myself that it didn't have anything to do with me"

"What did you do?" Basile asks, a little too breathless. Lucas would roll his eyes if he had the energy to do so.

"I panicked. Completely panicked. And I didn't know what to do, didn't know what to _say_. So I left. And before any of you open your mouths, I _know_ okay! I know I am an idiot who probably broke his heart and trust me when I say I felt guilty about it. I couldn't stop thinking about it, thinking about _him_ , so once I caught Idriss and asked about him. He told me a lot I didn't know, maybe made me feel a little more guilty. But I understood I had to talk to Eliott, so once I found him in the studio and tried to explain to him. He only told me he needed a little more time..and here I am, I guess."

"Well, that sucks," Arthur speaks into the silence that found its place in the room. "It sucks like a _lot_."

"You tell me about it," Lucas sighs and drops his look on his shoes this time. "I am lost. I don't know what to do."

"If there really is something to do about it," Basile says with such simplicity, almost makes Lucas believe it is easy when he is sure that it is _not_. How can something you think about constantly, nights and days be easy?

"Yeah," Yann nods his head in agreement, completely surprising Lucas, who throws confused look his way. "I mean, you can't speak for him, no?"

"Well, _no_.."

"There! Just...stop thinking about him so much. If he will come around, he will come around. If he won't, he won't. You'll survive," Lucas wants to roll his eyes and sigh at Arthur's words.

"It's easy for you to say. It's not that simple. It's..yeah, it's a little more difficult," Lucas says slowly, still not looking up from his new favorite place - his shoes.

"I know it is," Arthur adds nonchalantly. "But you're not going to receive anything from your constant moping either."

Lucas knew he was right. However, at the moment he felt like there wasn't anything to do about it.

*******

Even after his constant growling and refusing, the boys eventually made him go to the party they wanted to go _since forever_. Lucas hadn't felt like partying since what happened almost three weeks ago with Eliott. He wasn't in the mood for getting drunk or getting himself laid for a night, then saying goodbye.

Also, he won't make out with Eliott no more, so where was fun in parties now? It walked away, just like he did on _that_ night. Or any other night. Fuck, he really was an asshole, a heartless moron, wasn't he?

Lucas was screaming internally for help as he was leaning on the wall, in the dark corner of the room. He was watching his friends drinking tequila shots, trying to get him to drink with them, but he wasn't in the mood for it. He told them that earlier and stepped in the counter, where he stayed for a while.

He was bored and still moping about Eliott, thinking about him, thoughts only torturing and hurting, kind of knowing he will be let down by the boy. Why would he want to date him after all that happened, after all he made him go through?

Suddenly, he could use a drink or two to ease himself, to get himself in the party mood. He will black-out sooner or later, waking up hours later in the place unknown to him, with a Sahara desert in his throat. But everything was better than that instant guilt and self-pity.

"Is this place taken?" a voice asks, a voice he knows by heart and, as dramatic as it sounds, the world around him stops spinning. Lucas is out of breath when he turns his head to his right side and sees Eliott. _Smiling_ Eliott. What?

"There - uh, there is _no_ place here, so it can't be taken," he replies softly, Eliott grins and moves closer.

"However, if you think it's possible or not, the place is definitely taken right now," Eliott exclaims, still grinning. Lucas thinks he can feel his legs weaken.

"Okay," the respond leaves his mouth again, trying to talk as much as he can, foolishly scared Eliott will leave if he won't.

They are quiet for a little while, then after a minute or two lasting silence Eliott breaks it. "They are your friends, aren't they?" the boy asks, his voice so gentle as he points to the boys, who are trying to smoothly stare at them. Little do they know they aren't smooth at all. "They are cool," he exclaims when he sees Lucas nod.

"I met them a little while ago," he adds again. "They were really nice. Basile mostly, who is the only one I remember the name of. And that's only because he hugged me when he was drunk and refused to let go."

"Damn," Lucas exhales, chuckling a little. "Basile is a mess when he gets drunk. And it's even worse when he is stoned."

Eliott chuckles as well, making Lucas add a little to his speech. "You're laughing now, but try to be the one who was trying to convince him he wasn't in fact a, and now I'm quoting him, _bird that is free and can fly high_. He was standing on the window by the way - yes, it was only a first floor, but still."

The boy laughs again, turning his head to look at him. Lucas can feel his stare, but he can't return it, not now when he is so confused about everything that's happening.

The silence was getting uncomfortable, so Eliott had to step in again.

"I know you're waiting for my answer," Eliott says with a small voice. "But there is a lot you have to hear first. Okay?"

Lucas looks at him, giving him a nod. _i'm about to get rejected, i can feel it_. He tries to tell himself that no, no Eliott wouldn't do it, but how is he supposed to know that?

"First, you have to count on my mental illness too," his voice is still small, as he was ashamed, making Lucas confused, frown beginning to make itself appear on his face. "It won't be easy with me. You want to jump right in it with me, but I'm not sure if you thought about everything else that includes being with me."

"Like what?" Lucas asks, his voice small now too, he is so scared of getting rejected he almost could hear his heart pounding.

"Like, I won't be nice to you sometimes. I will yell at you, I will blame you for stupid things, I will leave when I feel bad. Sometimes I won't even leave the bed, I will just stay in all day and I will hurt you. Do you seriously want all this?"

Lucas inhales a shaky breath. "Have you looked at what I did to you? How I was ignorant about your feelings because I was scared? A coward, who was afraid to be himself?"

"That's not the same and you know it. Lucas, it's okay to be scared and I get it now. I was hurt for a long time, but I get why you were acting like it. And I don't blame you and I'm not mad at you for any of that, okay? So, I think it's time for you to stop guilt-tripping yourself over this, too," Lucas feels a hope creeping in himself again, it almost leaves when he sees Eliott's face again.

"But what I will do to you will be much worse. I will hurt you. Do you really want it?"

"Do you?" Lucas asks and talks over Eliott sooner than he gets a chance to say anything else. "No, but really, do you want this too? Eliott, I'm not perfect either. I will do so many wrong things too. I will get mad, I will give you the silent treatment, maybe at some point I could hurt you again. I'm so full of flaws too. But, still, we don't know what will happen in the future."

Lucas moves even closer to him. "We don't know what will happens in years from now, in months, hell, even in an hour from now. But what would be life about if we had to worry about every passing minute? Life is now. And really, is it really right to throw a whole relationship away because of a few _what if's?_ Maybe this will prove to be a mistake in the future, but it doesn't have to. There are so many possibilities that could happen to us. The bad ones are in balance with good ones, because we don't know what will happen. So, I suggest we could live life minute by minute. That way, we won't worry about anything, but the minute we live in."

Eliott smiles at him, but hell, Lucas has never seen him smile like that. It was so charming, so lovely, but all in all, so _Eliott_. He looks like the boy Lucas fell in love with when he wasn't even aware of it.

The kiss he receives is surprising, and at the minute he doesn't kiss back. Sooner than he can return the kiss Eliott pulls away and smile at him again.

Lucas is aware of the blissed-out face he is making. "You didn't answer my question. My very, very important question," he whispers, so close to Eliott he could feel his breath on his face.

When he kisses him again Lucas is ready to kiss back, but the kiss is over sooner than Lucas could do that. "Isn't that enough of an answer for you?"

Lucas pretends to think about it while he sneaks his hands around Eliott's neck. He looks back at him, smirks at him and kisses his lips again. He has to stand on his tip-toes to do so, hating Eliott a little for his height, now not denying any kisses to himself. "I guess it is," he whispers against his lips, leading back to leave a kiss on his lips again.

But this kiss feels different than any other ones they shared. It was the kiss he was denying himself for so long, the kiss that won't lead to sex, the kiss that showed the pure affection and _love_. Besides, Eliott didn't pull away after ten seconds, which he considers a win. Eliott appears to be a tease, but he let Lucas have this kiss.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my tumblr (where are all of my works, too): @xxminuitestlaxx :) 💕  
> thank you for being patient with me and reading this mess :D


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